Wednesday, April 09, 2003 [feeling] [[ frustrated ]] heaven by your side;
[listening] [[ u make me wanna - blue ]]
[thinking] [[ everything will be alright if i die ]]
[wishing] [[ to die earlier ]]
so i said i don't know. i didn't really sms in malaysia which is really true. i only smsed steph? a few times only and ray? 'cause he smsed me but that's like only twice. and anyway those people that i usually sms were like in malaysia. so there's no point sms-ing am i right? so i was like. i think it's my friend's parents or something. my friends were sms-ing and she said to tell her how much it is and she will pay me back. then i looked at the price. okay. i'll ask her to pay me back okay?
then she stood there and looked at it for really long. i don't think she ever will trust me. like okay. then she said again. but who's this person? why did you need to call this person for? then i was like. i think it's my friends' parents lar! 'cause i only smsed my friends a lil only not that long. or either that it must be like you smsed from malaysia and then to singapore and then probably that's singtel or m1 or stahub's number can?! then she stared at me. and asked me what's with my attitude.
like who won't be pissed if that person asked you twice. and you're stuck in some shitty stuff like amath performance task? won't you be like irritated..? and she asked me what's with my attitude. and i said nothing. then she went on i really think there's something wrong. and she said see what have you changed to? you're like a totally changed person since last year. okay mummy dear. you've been saying that when i was as small as this lil kid in p1. so how am i gonna trust you that i've changed? and even if i really have changed. it's really inevitable. i can't always be that small lil kiddie girl you used to know me. and why do you always think that you're the only hurt party? like you know when you said i've changed i'm like really hurt too..? maybe you never knew. you just knew that you're hurt and you think you're the one who's right and i'm wrong.
okay. fine. and i screamed. to get this message clear to you that i don't think i'm in the wrong. never. and she screamed back. like fine to listen to you nag like you always love me, you love me the most among your children. whatever whatever. i have been having this attitude towards you ever since last year. and stuffs. you know what. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of what you think actually happened and you've got absolute no idea why i had that attitude so-called being "cold and heartless" and stuffs. and you told me all this stuffs. but have you got any idea that maybe daddy and i are just too tired sometimes from work and studies and had a horrible time in school or at work..? and all we need's a nice sleep and she went to nag and nag. won't you be like. irritated or something.
and she thinks there's something wrong between us. i mean. you know i think there's no problem. but the problem is you think there's a problem and you asked if there's a problem and i said there's no problem and you won't believe till there's a problem. 'cause i'm irritated and that is the problem. haha. okay. and she's there self-pitying herself and is waiting for me to console her but i'm so not gonna do so. and she will cry even more. and pester even more what's the problem. you know what. forget it. i won't say. and i won't fall for the same trick again. you told me to tell you everything but yet again and again you changed that stuff i told you and you said that i'm always the one in the wrong. you're always contradicting yourself then i must say.
like take just now for example. she was obviously talking about the handphone bills and she insisted that she's not talking about the bills but she's talking about my attitude. then i said okay fine. and what's with my attitude? just 'cause i got irritated when you asked me twice about the same old damn thing and you said i got irritated and you don't like my attitude? and she said she's not talking about attitude. and i screamed back. so what are you talking about then?! and she went on saying. i'm talking about.. i'm saying i'm stupid then. is that fine with you. i'm saying i' stupid to ask you twice that. okay?! gee.
but i guess she'll never ever trust me. i don't know why. even though she said she trust me. why won't she trust me right. i mean if i said i don't know whose number is that. i really mean that. if she don't trust me what can i do. i mean it's not like i've got a bf. and i won't with you as a mummy 'cause you just kept on talking non-stop about bgr whatever shit to me every time you find the time to do so. i'm thinknig is it like because that time glen called at midnight or something and from then on you won't trust me? then i'm really sorry that my phone interupted your sleep. i mean that's like the only one time. and like okay. i'm asking. so what if there's really a guy who called me. i mean like people do interact and from there got to know more people alright? and like i say it's not my fault if they really wanna intro me yea?
and if you went to see my smses. and you found out something that you're not supposed to do so. then i'm asking why are you reading my smses and i need those personal spaces for me to breathe or interact. i find it like i'm too overly-protected is that the word? i'm not your baby-girl anymore. sometimes it's good for us youngsters to fall down and learn from lessons. and i think i need that since you think i'm like this lil rascal who won't listen to you. and it's not it's my fault if people sent me rubbish like they crush me or something and i'm like trying to debate with them you don't and stuffs and you just read what the sender sent me and you forgot to ask what did my dear daughter send back? do you think your daughter is that cheapskate to agree to like them or something that sort?
and one more thing. she said i always daoed her. but the thing is she's always the one who started the dao-ing. and who in their right mind would wanna go talk to her or even go near her in fact 'cause of that huh. like she's angry and she's pissed and she won't say a single shit. how would i know how to approach her yea? and so i didn't talk to her. and then for the next one week it would be like that. and one fine freaking afternoon when i'm like all pissed and everything with myself with whatever but not her, she would just sit down and ask what's my problem. fine so i'm the one with the problem. i'm the one who's nuts. i'm the one who ought to die. and i'm like daoing 'cause she won't say and i won't wanna say another thing to cause the situation to get worser. and she will make a fuss again.
you know i'm like tired with all these. i can't possibly wear a smile everytime. only when i'm a hypocrite that is. everytime i'm in school or i'm with my friends i'll be laughing and going insane. to cover up i guess. it's a facade. a strong one i wish everyone know. a mad and insane jac. and i bet no one will ever ever believe this that i'm like this. screaming and shouting at my mum? being all pessimistic and just wanna die..? and like she's always saying she wanna just die like this. okay. i reckon i'm the one who should die then. she wished to get the sars and just suffer and die. i feel like jumping down the building and die straight away. i won't wanna to get sars it's just too long a time for me to die. or either that maybe i should be the one with the sars. or when i take my schoolbus i just fly out of the bus when it suddenly crashes into something or whatever. or she can just take a knife and stab it into me so i will die and she will lurve the feeling of getting rid of this freaking woman who made her pissed. and it would end all her unhappiness on me. no one would give her any trouble. no one will make her angry. no one will dao her. no one will waste her money. no one will. 'cause i died.
so sadistic. i think gotta go. i see if i wanna watch the match of man utd vs real madrid. laters.
x 2:34 am
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