Saturday, July 12, 2003 [feeling] [[ weird ]] heaven by your side;
[listening] [[ dang ni - wang xin ling ]]
[thinking] [[ i'm thinking too much again ]]
[wishing] [[ to be as zai as charmainesia ]]
i was reading my past entries and i realised i reallyreally changed a lot. like what i used to think, that having one close fren's absurd. 'cause it seemed so untrustable. and it gets boring after a while when you face that person every time. and that having many not-so-close friends will be fun and you can just jollywell bottle up everything that you feel and think. that's what i thought i was capable of. but i guess i underestimated my tolerance and when i read those entries, it kinda seemed like, all i need, is just a really close friend now.
and it's getting quite sad that, zing and steph ain't in the same class anymore. they've got their own circle of frens. in other classes. and it just so gave me this feeling like going out with me and talking to me is quite a burden to them sometimes. like they have to "abandon" their friends just to listen to me rant. and just to go out with me 'cause i wanna go out. i feel quite guilty. you know, 'cause i kinda have this feeling that they're gonna enjoy themselves more if it weren't for the fact that they promised to go out with me and giving up the opportunity to have fun with their other frens. and i feel quite left out sometimes too. when sometimes going out with them means going out with them and their group of friends. i'm not complaining about anything now. i'm just feeling.. weird now. i think i sense a tinge of jealousy.
like i'm kinda feeling extra nowadays doing the same thing as i used to do last time. it's just that i don't feel weird last time. tagging along in some already-formed clique. but maybe like what pet said she thinks my renyuan quite good. like some clique-hopper. so i don't really have a definite clique. so it seemed like i find it comfortable with everyone. i like being with everyone in the class. be it the prc scholars. or whoever. in reality, it's not the truth. it just sucks. and to think that now i don't even have the freedom to talk about anything i want on my blog. it seems like my whole world's gonna tumble down on me soon. i know i'm exaggerating. but everything's not going the way i wanna it to be.
and everyone seemed to be obsessed in thinking they're ugly. they're fat. they're hideous and everything when in fact i think they're good-looking. they're presentable. they've got 2 eyes, 2 ears 1 nose and 1 mouth 2 arms and 2 legs functioning perfectly. ain't that just great enough? i don't know what they want themselves to be. probably going through all means to get what they want. like maybe consuming large amount of slimming pills or being anorexic? or undergo some stupid surgery? until they end up like that slim 10 soapy opera then they finally know it's bad and then they start pointing fingers at people around them for not warning them about the consequences for being anorexic or whatever harmful. they just gonna so regret about what unimaginable stuffs they've done to themselves.
believe me. i went through that. or actually, i knew what they've gone through. it's so torturous that you never wanna be in again. it's totally insane.
can't they just see that they're so much more fortunate than laleh and ladan? and that two courageous souls just had to die when i thought they'd got a high chance of survival. poor things. years of not seeing each other face-to-face, and just when they were about to fulfil their dream. they just had to leave, but i guess they'll be glad that they've tried and they're finally separated.
great. what bullshit am i talking. hoho. anyway. only went to school for 3 days this week. monday was a holiday. and friday i was on mc. like again. *hah! pet said that i was so lucky. but what luck was there anyway? my knee's hurting again =( but i get to miss bio test and chem quiz. so maybe it's good.
i'm not gonna talk about school man. totally detest it. went out with angeline on tuesday. we went to kinokuniya. and we were walking around. she was exclaiming how sweet her fren christine was that day 'cause she sent some present with a letter over to her that day. and she decided to go get christine some present there. was thinking of getting her a book or something. but she realised that she's not enough money. so we went over to the stationery section and started looking at the stuffs. we're looking at the letter pads there. they were like totally nice. helped angeline find 2 letter pads. one for her and one for christine. =)) arhhar. and i was being so irritating to her. i was like saying. i thought i'm your best friend. and you've not given me my birthday present and there you're buying stuffs for your lover. and see! i'm paying for your present for your lover!!
i think i'm so fullacrap. then later we're just looking around in kino. damn fun with angeline man. =) lurve her to bits. and we went to kfc and shared a snack pack together and a cup of medium coke. that woman owed me 10 bucks and returned on thursday. hee* i think she's really nice. we're always thinking why didn't we know each other earlier. we clicked right away when we met okay. and she was feeling sick and didn't come the next day. kinda sad huh. i was soo lonely on wednesday. =(
had library on wednesday anyway. and it was like the new system was carried out. totally hate it. that means i can't slack .and i was supposed to do only counter duty. and i ended up stapling the exam papers, typing stuffs to be put on e-announcement and inet. and later met pet at usual place and went home with her. =)) i don't know whether it's just me or what, but i thought everyone's more tanned than they used to be. especially pet. *hur maybe 'cause we're under the escalators that's why she looked dark.
and on thursday, pet yinjia, shiling, van and i went to that fareast chicken rice stall. i think.. had fun. and it was so hilarious. i mean i was practically laughing my ass off. and how stupid can i get man. like we were talking about someone and her guy fren going her house and stuffs. then van commented that if it ever happened to her, like a guy going her house, her dad will beat him up and kill him or something. so someone said like what about your dad? your dad's a guy you know. and i started laughing like mad. can you imagine like her dad saying, "i'm back!!" and then at the doorsteps, started to hit himself..? and then pet mentioned something about the vampires in twins effect and the tranquilizers. and i laughed even harder. i bet the aunty and uncle there were like wondering why i was laughing that badly. and i have to pay for pet's meal first. she owes me money now! =) feeling rich. but it's not gonna be forever.
we were like boarding the mrt train at orchard. guess what?! i saw danen and harold!! and their classmates! i'm like ohmygosh! and to think i was telling danen something like if i ever see both of them again, i'm gonna murder them! i was soo embarrassed. and danen said i was rather loud on the train. =\ arh. and they were like booshitting lar. and kinda screwed okay. but yea. sighh! i didn't ask danen for my present!! and i was boarding the train again at cityhall. then pet had to drag me to the other door away from danen and harold. and i went owowowow like some idiot. =\ eeps..
but anyway. friday i didn't go school. was too tired and my knee's hurting again. but damn. was i trying to be funny or what. i went for the gym finals in bishan sports hall instead. 'cause i thought i should keep my promise. i promised zing that i will go and i will keep a look-out for those three assholes. haha. and dad drove me to the stadium but i said i can't be too early. so he dropped me at the taxi stand in front of the mrt station. and so i had to walk!! when my knee was painful.. =( and it's a long distance. had to cross this big field and all..
and no one was there and i was so lonely. like totally extra. 'cause zing and mel had to go down. something like that. and michelle, meixian and suefaye took a really long time to come down and pei me!! it was rather fun. and we were watching the floor exercise[?] and the guys were like so gross.. i mean why do they have to stretched out their arms and then fingers together and walked like a zombie like a big chinese BIG word to move to one of the corners? kenneth was rather zai i guess. and i think everyone's zai anyway. 'cause i can't do anything they can. and i think if i'm not wrong suefaye said kenneth looked the most decent looking one among the rest. and then i remembered she said something about him being cute. arh. *hur. i've got no comments man. but from far he's one of the better looking ones 'cause there's this really gross tchs one. and he bloodyhella did a SPLIT! i was so mortified and freaked out can.
sai youzi was *whao. there's this st nick's girl damn cool.. and then there was this guy who was like really zai in the warming up. he jumped damn high and it was really cool. but he fell when he did the real thing. and it was like damn jialat. and it's sucha pity. he's really good you know. went home alone like a loser. and it's raining elephants and whales. arh. and i had to cross this damn big field back to the mrt station. and the field was so flooded with rain. and it's so muddy and gross. and there were lightnings and i was in this open area like a retard. okay i know there's someone behind me. but i'm not sure who she is. i was half wet too. and i don't wanna think about it. it will be nice if someone can just walk me home sometimes.
x 6:19 pm
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