Friday, October 10, 2003 [feeling] [[ drained ]] heaven by your side;
[listening] [[ gramma's annoying grumbles ]]
[thinking] [[ just one more emath to go ]]
[wishing] [[ that i can at least sleep tonight ]]
went out to watch a movie with zing, geraldine and emily as planned the day before. though there's one more paper left. don't really give a shit about emath already. anyway, we watched secondhand lions! and it was hella good. =) the uncles were like so funkae.. over 90 years old and they're still flying a plane without any license. -laugh- they died in that plane crash though. trying to do some funny stunt but they crashed instead. poor guys. but, was just wondering whether they planned it or something. 'cause apparently they died wearing boots i think? and they mentioned something before about wearing boots when the lion died. ohwell. and mae was like sucha total bitch. damndamn irritating mother. but she let walter go back to his uncles' place eventually. well, that's her wisest choice ever. and hub was like totally cool and way funkae in the past. but poor thing, jasmine just had to die. garth was like so coward last time! but he was funny. everything was funny. and the story that garth told was unbelievably true. but maybe 'cause it's after physics that killer paper, that's why everyone didn't exactly have the mood to play, to enjoy, everything was so sian. guess it's understandable. 'cause i have to understand myself right? i'm one of them i reckon though i was trying not to feel depressed over it. guess i'm quite okay with it or either that i'm just great in hiding my feelings then. but i just can't help feeling sian. like life is so monotonous.
i wished that the exam would soon be over at the beginning of this month. and now that it is over, not really over yet, but i'm already switched to my "holiday mood" and i have nothing to look forward to, which isn't exactly good. 'cause everything seems to get dull and there seems nothing for me to live for. something to this extent. but that's quite exaggerated though. i'm so contradicting myself now.
the trip to yanxia's house in china should be cancelled. michelle said she should be able to go and i was really excited about it. but i think i'm gonna disappoint her unless i can persuade my parents to change their minds? 'cause they think i spend too much.
and there ain't any great movies like last year. well, at least from what i can see, most of them now are either RA or NC-16. tell me, do i look like an adult? or 16? damn. and they're probably only 3 or 4 movies now that are quite worth catching. but i think i should be able to finish watching them before you know it or i know it actually. and. singapore's like so freakingfreaking bloody small. no attractions at all. i wonder why those stupid tourists wanna come singapore. not like it has any waterfalls. or any other better natural attractions. there is no mountain in fact. not that i would want to go mountaineering. i'll die of exhaustion. but. you should get a hint what i'm trying to say aiight? the man-made attractions are just as horrible. there're only sentosa, ice-skating but i swear i won't ever go do so again, bowling? shopping? swimming? chalet? i bet i can finish all those activities in one week. or at most two weeks. maybe i can have some catching up with ex-classmates. but that will just need like a day or two. arh. whateverr..
i think i better sleep soon. i'm so totally deprived of sleep for the whole week. but i don't think i'll be able to. i think i got insomnia again these few days. arh. shit. it's coming back to haunt me again. hope not. but i thought it was cured in primary 6. -sigh- anyway, past few nights. i kept thinking about bio notes, amath formulas and chem calculation formulas. how shit can it get. and till now i'm not even sure whether i was dreaming or i was awake all those while. like i kept opening my eyes in the middle of the night. or like an hour later or even minutes later, thinking what the formula should be or whether i should wake up again to study. how very annoying. and the best thing is, it happened like a few consecutive nights. maybe it's my punishment for not going to school on wednesday.
anyway, for today. we had physics. killer paper. gonna fail it man seriously. both papers are like so undoable and cannot make it. or maybe it's just because i didn't study well. or in fact, i didn't study at all, i only studied the first few chapters. but everyone was complaining and laughing that it was a total disaster and they couldn't write anything down. so maybe.. maybe. it's not 'cause i didn't study. and my standard shouldn't be that bad as i thought it would be after all. hurs. i just stared at the questions blankly when i saw it, and i didn't know exactly how to do every question. even the formulas that i memorised earlier on didn't exactly help, 'cause i totally blanked out. apparently according to the others, it's A-level standard. don't understand why they wanna set such tough papers for us to take when mr chang already expects half the cohort will fail. a bunch of sadists. not gonna care anyway. my L1R5 is screwed enough. another subject won't make any difference. it doesn't mean i'm stupid or anything now. it ain't my fault. it's theeir fault! -pout-
damn physics. hopefully that's the only subject that i'm gonna fail. but seriously. it might not be the case. -sigh-
let's start talking about my week from saturday and sunday. horrendous. just mugged and mugged till there's no tomorrow. and i cried and cried over it. arhhar. insane. was even thinking of how to make myself sick. ben didn't call. i just keep on moaning online. arh poor thing. i'm so sorry. and didn't meet up with angie either. her sis forced her to swop her tuition time with her. so it wasn't convenient for her to come out to meet me to teach me this oh-so helpless soul.
chinese paper I should be quite okay lar. but my qingjing is so.. weird. i mean like for 1 whole bloody page it was fulla emotions. and for the next two it was a mixture of the story and emotions again. just that the story went cuckoo and i didn't know what i was writing so i abruptly ended it when the time's almost up with something like although results are important, eq is more important. how crappy.
ss was okay lar. i mean the day before i was just stuck on merger and separation and i couldn't study the rest. 'cause. i was distracted. too occupied in moaning lar. and the source-based was practically like copy and paste or rephrase the sources and chunk them all into your answers. -applause- glad that one set of questions that came out for structured-essay questions was merger and separation. though it was quite difficult to explain or remember anything from your contextual knowledge. i have baaad memory.
went back home by pet's dad's car. was so quiet on the way home. no one dared to talk. and then van's father called her and she was like saying she was at bugis and near raffles hospital and her dad heard she's in a hospital. damn funny. oh and i thought i saw chong at bedok. -shrug- quite normal i guess. i mean it's exam period and i reached bedok like so early.
tuesday we had chinese paper II. can just say byebye to the whole world liao. my section A, B and C are like shit. the tian xie words or phrases. outta 10 questions. i did 3 i think. and only 2 are correct i think. and my zaoju. 15 marks can just bid goodbye to them. i was so damn freaking pissed off by the fact that the ciyus that i learnt didn't come out, instead they appeared in the comprehension and cloze passage and those that i didn't, came out instead for tian xie. and the summary was like hell like that. don't even know how to summarise it. thought it was already summarised enough. oh or is it just that my summary skills suck? must be then. and it was freaking cheem. difficult to read that is. wasted a lotsa time on it. and had not enough time to do my zaojus. how smart of me. compre was good though. the questions are easy. just that it's a lil tedious to read and comprehend at first.
geog was okayokay lar. should be able to pass. but there's no guarantee for that. but it was kinda rushed and i just blanked out again. can't remember oil palm plantation. i mean i was just going through that the night before. how amazing it just poofed into thin air when i panicked. and thank goodness relief only means the contours and the features and does not include the drainage system and everything. phew. but my mapwork quite shit lar. and it's only like 1/5 of the total marks. arh there was this 12-mark question. can say byebye again lar. and the way newby marks, i can jollywell fail actually. i think i'll take back my words saying that i should be able to pass. i'm definitely gonna fail.
took a cab down to pet's house after that with van and pet herself. richkia's mum gave her money to do so 'cause her dad couldn't fetch her. had lunch at her house and van's dad drove me home. how nice of them. larlarlar.. how nice for my pocket too. didn't pay her 2 dollars. =)) all my allowance for that day was saved! miracle! oh they were playing the piano. feeling kinda inferior. like how not musically-inclined i am when the rest are. maybe i shouldn't feel that way, 'cause i wasn't given any chance to expose myself to music in the first place. my mum thought it was a waste of time. so i never had a chance to play piano or anything. the only instrument that i played was the recorder that was complusory in primary school. go on, laugh at me! =p
why am i talking about it suddenly.
anyway, didn't go to school on wednesday. my doctor said i stressed myself too much? -laugh- i doubt so. anyway, then my eyes were strained and i couldn't open them. got a terrible headache and dizzyspells at the same time. how bloody fun. got one day MC for that. getting weaker. like what angeline said. i might just faint and die some day. hurhurs. but anyway, i bet people will think i'm a coward. again. missed school on the day with bio and amath exams. i heard they were tough. so they both should be gonecases if i went and took it. 'cause i couldn't even think straight. they are still gonecases even when i'm not taking them. they're probably gonna take my daily work or something like that and give me a mark. which probably i could do better than. or maybe not. and my bio CA confirm failed 'cause like thousands of shit never hand in and amath she gave me 50 something. thanks to my 3rd test and my assignments. and my file of course.
chemistry was fine. at least i could finish it with like 10 minutes or so left to check my papers. but i started to panick even when i can finish it. am i too over-paranoid? 'cause i was wondering and suspecting something must be wrong if i can do everything. like did i miss out anything? like any formulas? but i know i got a few wrong lar. 'cause well i don't really know the answer? -laugh-
went home with geraldine and emily on thursday. had quite an insane topic to talk about. and i think i'm acting like angeline already. arh. how influential she is. oh saw kaiyen if i'm not wrong. just couldn't recognise her lar. 'cause that person has long hair. but i suspected it's her. didn't say hi to her. 'cause partly a bit paiseh if it's not her. and i wasn't really sure until i stared quite hard at her. and another thing is. i don't exactly like her in the first place.
was thinking that maybe i have too high expectations of myself when i slack so much. just pray i won't get over 20 for my L1R5 now. and that i can pass everything lar. that's not much to ask for right? just thought it would be like total embarrassment sitting beside 303 that class with everyone saying something like "ohno i did so badly. only 80-something." and i barely pass or even fail.
have no mood to study for emath now! holidayholiday.
i think i'm too drained now. don't even have any appetite now. gramma's like screaming as usual. and out of anger, she kept everything in the refrigerator. ohwell. that got my mum pissed too. not that i really care anyway.
arh pardon my grammatical or spelling errors today. feeling quite screwed now. nights. gonna sleep.
x 10:24 pm
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