__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Saturday, November 15, 2003

i wonder when i'll just blog whatever i've thought about rather than what i've done. but then again, i won't have anything to blog 'cause i usually think about useless stuffs. so i think i'll just carry on blogging about my day. =|

i think i get more and more insensible as years fly by. which, theoretically, it shouldn't be the case. i should be more mature as i grow older. i don't know why i'm saying this, was just thinking what chongxun was telling me about what he thinks about me. he thinks i probably change. maybe quite a lot. well, in academic sense. i was kinda topping the class and everything last time and what happens to me now is exactly the opposite. flunking almost every subject i could. he got 12 for l1r5. and what i got's more than twice of his. and all i could only do is to watch him getting good grades in awe and see myself and my grades dropping down the drain. not a nice feeling to experience seriously. and i can do nothing but to blame myself at the end of the year for the past few years. for being so slack throughout the whole year. for playing all day long and doing no work. and i thought it was getting better this year. my foot honestly. it's still the same damn dismal results i get. i'll never get back to the same old me. where's my self-control? where's everything?

and i think my promise to work and study harder is just another bullshit i keep making up to make myself less guilty. it's nothing but a lie. i was still trying to get my basics right a week before the dreaded exam. chionging like hell. how's that possible right. to get whatever i want. and there's no use slogging away and studying relatively hard and then panicking like shit. 'cause there's no need to. i'm too screwed up to do anything to save the situation. and i was still that heck care forever, what a joke. and it's the most number of failed exams i have in my entire life. and the worst thing is, i thought it was rather amusing. maybe reality hasn't set in for me yet.

so maybe i shan't make any resolutions for next year. and i've no idea whether i should set any target to aim for. or what target to set actually. 'cause it's totally impossible for me to get my desired l1r5. just look at my results now. it's a far cry from it. and all my basics? it's not even there.

and i'm laughing at myself. for letting myself to screw everything up. just so great ain't it. i'm hopeless.

maybe sec 3 is really an important year as the seniors say. afterall i think O-level's a two-year course. which is quite true. but sec 3 year just went by too fast to catch up with. though you get to discover a whole lot of things you'll never experience and ever know about life, yourself, and basically, everything else. and look. i'm still not doing anything. and it's all talk and no action now. and i'm a sec-4-soon-to-be. and i'm still feeling like i'm a bloody sec 2 who just stepped into rg a year ago. enjoying my life as it is now. and everything just has to suddenly set in. suddenly there's this chinese O-level you have sat for. the sec 3 exam you've gone through, 3 years of shit in rgs and it just dawns on me that, soon i'm gonna take the whole O-level exam, like all 9 subjects, whether i like it or not. it's just too creepy, ain't it.

hai whatever. maybe a plan for this holiday and next year is good for me and everyone else afterall. and i still have physics re-test and geog re-test to face. i just have to get good grades for both. else i'll be encouraged to drop physics and get slaughtered by newby personally.

ohwell, yesterday woke up at 6.15 AM. 'cause there was library duty. 8 hours long. damnit. all thanks to that pervertic lawrence chang who wanted us back for stock-taking. well. daddy decided to drive me there. i better be glad about that. 'else i'll be squeezing and squashing with people on the train like those sandwiches. but before that he had to fetch these two frens of his. so we left our house at 6.45 and dropped my brother at his school. before waiting for his frens. felt rather awkward meeting them. didn't say hi and all. just ain't that frenly to them somehow. didn't see their face too. okay maybe kinda can figure out they're 20-something. don't know whether they're good-looking or not. but they do look good in their saf uniforms. hurs. come to think of it. i think most guys will look good in it. provided their bods are like whoaa. -laugh- but anyway found out one other thing. guys stink. really. i was sitting in front and i could smell them. eww. and they were talking about their secondary school time i guess. can't really figure out what they're talking about like some alienic language like that.

then when i reached school, the car can't go into the school 'cause the gate was locked for security reasons i guess. and there was a bunch of people outside. so i don't know why i got out of the car and thought it was rather amusing. and started giggling to myself. like 3 guys who're not related to rg sending me to rg. -laugh- and then this guy decided to change seats too. and they were doing all right in front of the school. and some other rg girls. ohwell. -shrug-

waited in canteen 'cause i went up and the library was closed. decided to sms zing and yanxia. zing's awake 'cause she's going for her work experience. she said she could see sentosa from her workplace. sounded kinda fun. and i smsed yanxia to wish her bon voyage and stuffs. whee. gonna miss her. then i went up to library when time's almost up. and slacked around for a while and chose a few books from the library's old book collection. so now i can keep the 50 bucks my mum gave me to buy the textbooks and shopped instead. =) well, we did stocktaking. and it was just scanning more and more stuffs for 8 hours. quite siandiao to think about it but it's actually quite fun. did about 9 shelves of books. then decided to take a long rest when missliah saw my phone. she showed it to mr amin and we started talking about my phone and stuffs. and then later i told them about him going singaporecupid and we were practically laughing our asses off at the best jokes ever made on him. and i got a shock of my life when i knew he's going to the taiwan immersion. and i was so glad now that i didn't go although i was whining months ago how desperately i wanna go.

and then xinyi came and we went to eat in far east. took more than an hour to eat. 'cause i was just busy talking about whole load of shit. don't know why i'm telling her those things. but i guess it's no harm telling her too. we talked about me being a damn joker in beijing and all those shits that happened. and her class in p6 going somewhere else and what happened. and when we went back, that pervert was gone and some of the non-teaching staffs i know were in the librarian's room. so we talked and played around with my phone. and i got to rest and watched xinyi do stock-taking. i was so tired basically that i slept on one of the shelves and a teacher saw me and she was laughing at me. and she said the beeping sound that the scanner gave out hypnotised me. and all i could do was to die of embarrassment and smile retardedly. i'm sure i'm just a joker everywhere. oh and i we found photos from singaporecupid lawrence chang saved on the desktop. tsk. one of the women's quite good-looking seriously. and she was the one who replied him the reply i saw. and she's only 31! better not go out with him man. i heard he's getting a divorce too. pity his wife. or ex-wife. whatever. and then we got to leave early 'cause missliah let us do so. =)

i'm now too stressed to think. according to xinyi, i'll be temporary in charge of everything when xinyi's having work ex. and she can't leave it to indu 'cause indu herself is doing work ex too. and that even if she doesn't have any, i think most of the job she'll be asking me to do 'cause she communicates with me more. =\ -sigh- so i'm supposed to do cca orientation, cca camp, cca open house, cca outing, etc. and i don't know what else might just pop out of nowhere. i'm just too scared that i'll screw up something again. and i'm definitely capable of doing so 'cause i'm too screwed up myself.

got pissed with pet for not replying me and i decided not to go send yanxia off. 'cause if i do, i have to see her and i so do not know what i'll do to her. and i'm still in school uniform. not worth risking myself getting onto next day's headlines. "rg girl killed fren for not replying sms". that will totally rock. and i went kfc instead to find my mum and my brother there. ate a lil and while eating, saw ah bengs and lians sitting in front of me. really cannot stand it. their dyed hair. and their actions. eww. then we walked around in bedok interchange and went to make my new specs. it's around 300 degree on my left and 400 on my right i think. or the other way round. can't remember. and the one with 300 degrees there's 100 degrees of astigmatism. ohwell. 95 bucks only. kinda cheap. was expecting much higher than that.

i'm feeling bored now. nobody seems to be blogging. and nobody seems to be online. i tried reading the chinese book we'll be tested in kaocha when school re-opens. but it's too draggy and boring. and i don't feel like doing any work. i don't feel like reading the awakening either. i don't know what i feel like doing anyway. and it's only 2 weeks of holiday and i'm like this. i don't feel like going shopping either, even if i have the money and i'll have no worries at all to buy anything i want. HELP mee.

heard from huimin mr toh's conducting a concert in dunman sec, which is my brother's school, which i went today, some time in the holiday. well, somehow it makes me miss singing in a choir. -shrug- but i won't wanna go back again. the trainings were so torturous. but i saw him already in the saf choir concert with mrs lee too. and i started screaming like hell. erps. still can't stand his retarded face but huimin thought he looks/looked suave. doesn't matter, he still looks the same. but i still won't mind going if people are going 'cause that means it'll be a mini gathering!

oh as i've said before. went to my brother's school today. 'cause his teacher called and said his ranking was wrong. he's supposed to get 6th in class instead of 10th in class. so obviously he's happy. and the trip there was so dreadfully long and scary. there's this girl who almost fainted. and this mad woman who wanted to move in despite the crowd in front of me not moving at all. so she was shouting a very loud "excuse me!" to me. and i rebutted back some shit which usually i won't and she replied with "so my excuse me's of no use". wah damn gek. whatever.

and then we were in the foyer and the netball team or volleyball team was training. and my mum was saying the instructor seemed like she couldn't teach at all. just yelling and yelling non-stop like a crazy woman. and after awhile, we just went back to bedok interchange. -laugh- and my brother changed on the bus. damn hilarious lar. and before that when my mum boarded the bus and she walked to the back and found a seat, and just when she was about to sit, the bus jumped. and she jumped too and screamed. damn attention-grabbing. everyone was looking at us man. =| and i ate my lamb meat's soup?? yea. yummyyum. though there were some fats in it. eww.. my mum just helped me take it out though. =) and then we walked around in the pasar malam and i got myself two shorts. not bad lar. cost only 13 bucks. happy. and we rushed home immediately 'cause my mum needed to send my youngest brother off to his graduation or prom nite. sounds funkae. and we didn't even have a shit at all last time.

so basically just slacked around and i ate another chicken chop after that. i'm beginning to turn into a pig. oohno. hurs. talked to bea who's going rendafuzhong in a few hours' time. damn. i sure do miss that place and all the funkae memories. ='( and she's living on the 7th floor! -laugh- the same as mine last time! gonna be so fun for her. -shrug- i'm getting all excited when it's not even myself that's going. crazy moi. have been telling her all those stories in the school. and where's the macs and kfc. insane lar. haven't told her about their driving-imitation room and underground d and t room. =( shan't talked much. 'else i'll be reallyreally sad. -laugh-

was playing bridge just now with danen weixun and another fren of theirs. quite fun. and danen commented i'm still as funny as ever like that time in beijing. the way i played bridge. like hoping others won't triumph it. =p wah. and they're really crazy in playing it. honestly. like bidding till 6D. and i was so scared i won't win. and half the time my partner's the dummy and i'm the one playing. and seriously i suck in playing compared to them. well, i couldn't take it anymore and started cheating damn blatantly with weixun. and we won quite a lotsa games! got really crazy bidding like hell. whee. just reminded me beijing and all the stuffs once again. half of me feels like meeting them. but another half of me doesn't want to somehow. i don't know why. but then again, i feel like meeting up with old frens now and catching up with them. i don't like the feeling of being so distant to anyone. and another thing is, gathering will kill time in holiday. all those plannings and the actual thing can take up like 3 days or more? -sigh- but it's quite hard really. to organise anything when you're already that distant to almost everyone.

really late now. no one sane's online except me. yukming just went off after talking to me about some stuffs. ohwell.

i think i better go off soon. take care people. enjoy your holidays! =)

heaven by your side;
x 3:42 am