__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Saturday, April 10, 2004

i'm beginning to think there's no such thing as "right". right and wrong co-exist. they really do. and there's always a grey area. that's why there're things called social studies and arguementative essays. they are always two-sided. and they force you think and argue over the shit and nothing comes out from it. perhaps, there's only more confusion. when it's not like, the muddle initially wasn't bad enough. and there's no right or wrong answer, as long as you're able to substantiate your points.

but i digress. was thinking of how imbecilic i was to believe a one-sided story and dislike someone so much [not that much actually, more of didn't know what to do with that person 'cause of whatever someone has said obviously]. rather distraught when i was thinking how i trusted someone so much that i was literally "brainwashed". so maybe there's still a "right" side. just that the right side that i think is right, can't be right sometimes.

now that i abhor the "brainwasher", i detest everything that has to with her. i get turned off by whatever she does. even though, you know, they aren't targetted at/done on me? but i can't help but to feel that sudden disgust, and i know it'll take a long time and loadsa persuasion from friends or whoever to get rid of this animosity.

then again, i don't think i hate her at all. it's more of i can't be bothered anymore? i mean, if i do hate her, i'd be bawling out vulgarities when she hit my hand with the ball un/intentionally [and mind you, it was awfully painful yea]. which i did, in fact, or that's what mel was saying [and i've absolutely no idea what i've said]. i can't make up my mind. no, let's just say, i don't want to be the one who initiates a talk again. nono, i think it's more of "i don't feel like talking anymore".

was looking back at past entries. and realised they're rather.. optimistic. and what most people perceive me to be? compared to what it is now. ugh nevermind.. spouting nonsense again. no, not really actually. i think i was able to conceal my feelings and present myself as someone cheerful. but i no longer can do so and i just unveiled all the anguish and depression i've been feeling this few months. at least on this blog. think i should go back to my usual persona huh.

but i reckon i'm okay now. no more dysphoria. well. at least i'm gratified that my life is more smooth than before. how can it not be yea? after so many incidents have happened. i'm pleased with whatever i have now. yet i know i still can sense a tinge of deprivation of almost everything i can/should have. doesn't make sense, does it? but what's reassuring is that that slight streak of distress has the slightest effect on me.

got over the loss of my phone. how can i not anyway? guess i'm luckier than quite a number of people. considering i didn't even get a lecture for losing it. some others would have probably been beaten to death.

yesterday was sports fest. was utterly dull. had to wait for julia and meixian for half an hour 'cause stupid meixian's sister wore her class tee of all things. and she's a mass dance capt?! how retarded. went for lunch with julia and walked there under the blazing hot sun with some idiotic juniors singing behind us. basically it was a major stoning session. waste of time. and it started late. stupid halsall had to go round catching people who're not with their houses. and obviously i was one of them. was with julia and the prc scholars, and it happened that all of them are tarbetians. and tarbet and hadley were seated totally far away. and he came up to me, and exclaimed oh-so-loudly whether i'd lost my way. given no choice, had to walk back to where i was expected, supposed to be. it sucked.

so i found missliah and mr amin and mr whoever-i-can't-remember-his-name-at-the-moment. arh. mr amin was talking about my phone. could sense he felt the pain i was going through. saw this agonising look on him. if he's my dad, i'll be dead beyond doubt.

staff's events weren't exactly that entertaining as those in swim carn. well, to meixian, i guess, it was really good. 'cause james ong was in it, if i'm not wrong that is. and to my horror, i realised missliah actually likes that sissy gay-like corman [spell?].. and she was so excited and was actually jumping and screaming hysterically when he was skipping. what an amusing sight to behold. oh and newby ran?! funny huh. and how could i ever forget about my beloved liwei. who happened to participate in the race yet again. so enthu. x) well, he was like hot and he was suave when he was playing with the whatever-ball and the racket. no?

-rolleyes-

guess the highlight's probably the cheerleading competition this time. buckle won cheerleading. well, i thought they well-deserved that. 'cause it was so apt and cute. but hadley got third? i think it's quite ridiculous to think that it didn't even look like cheerleading. more of dancing ballet?! and the ending was really lame? kinda shocking that tarbet and waddle weren't top three. waddle's display was really cool. but i guess they lost out 'cause they weren't exactly synchronised. tarbet was really cute? heard they're supposed to be first and they got disqualified. ouch. and banner. i thought hadley's banner's cute and proportional. and relevant to the theme. and zihua did a great job. so i've no clues as to how tarbet and waddle could tie for second place and hadley lost to tarbet when it looks totally weird and out-of-shape. and i'm not saying this 'cause i'm a hadlian. i'm sure i'm not biased about it.

hadley overall champion. hmm.. anyway, met up with geraldine, emily, jiarui and jiamin after that and went to bugis. was fun and enjoyable. had dinner at swensen's. i think we weren't exactly in our right mind and we're just babbling nonsense we can think of. i mean, half of our brains got to be fried by then after being baked under the sun for so long. although we weren't exactly directly under the sun, it was humid enough. nice catching up with them la i must say. we took neoprints too. i was the expert there, for once, har har. though emily was the one who decoded the chunk of jap stuffs the machine was burbling.

oh and we're talking about lotsa stuffs and how appalling to realise that people aren't precisely what you make them out to be. at least i was shocked to realise she's not as sensible as she seems. not as nice as i thought she would be? can't comprehend why people would wanna deceive others so as to have this "i'm really popular with my peers" facade when they're not? what's wrong with them. being so fake and so not trustworthy. and i don't understand someone's obsession over an already-dead person. and she started liking that person when the news about him committing suicide was all over the newspaper. madness. and i thought i was mad enough to.. uh, nevermind. x) there're a lotsa stuffs that we were talking about, while waiting for our dinner and on the train. can't remember already.

i think i gotta go sleep. tiring. will update soon what happened last week i guess.

heaven by your side;
x 2:10 am