__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Saturday, July 17, 2004

i've got a thousand and one things to talk about, but i'm not exactly in the right mood to do so. just screwed up my orals, you see. though i admit i'm kinda numb about it already. like what other stuffs have i not succeeded in screwing up anyway? last two weeks, i guess, were pretty busy, productive and at the same time, funky. yea. however, everyone's getting depressed. maybe not. maybe just a handful of people around me. i don't know. i get irritated when i can't help, and it doesn't feel all that great either when i don't know what to say and it's not as if i don't want to help. whatever it is, let's just forget it and look forward to the bleak future, shall we?

next week's gonna be one hectic long shitty week. i've no idea how i'm gonna survive man. there's baozhang kaocha on monday, and most likely i'll have to take my kaocha on 7.26 and 7.27 that day too. chemistry test on metal reactivity series, alkanes/alkenes and electrolysis and cheng yu 81 -160 kaocha on tuesday. FRYday celebration on wednesday [and it doesn't help when it's pretty much like a NORMAL school day. oh how cheated i feel. and i'll have to sell fruits?! just 'cause the parents of rgs suggested and wanted it. darn. and the LIBRARIANS have to do it. what kinda nonsensical logic is that?! not like we're affliated to them yea?!] and emath test on loci and transformations on thursday. CCA phototaking and sec 4 farewell. which means that i'll have to go down to town to get some presents for the juniors somewhere at the beginning of the week. like yes. and shit i'm freaking broke.

and i'm pretty happy with myself having the not-very-disciplined self-discipline to stay back in school everyday to finish up my homework before i go home. it's so much more productive. and i get less distracted and more focused and it's fun doing homework with my friends when we crap. x) it just gives anyone a sense of accomplishment man.

i'm such an unhealthy freak. and i can't help being a total weakling at times. like how i can almost die during/after PE. and that's not like ONCE. but so many times that probably the PE teachers would have known about me by now. and the worst thing is, i think i'm gonna just give up on my pft. i seriously doubt that i'll have the ability, the stamina, the breath to run for so long. and i pray what i'm suspecting isn't true. i certainly hope that my asthma doesn't come back. for goodness sake it's history already. why do i feel that breathless again then?!

and i'm such a klutz. like seriously. i've never seen anyone in my life [besides me, that is] to be able to trip and almost fall like a few times within 10 minutes? and how embarrassing i can get when i start yelping in the middle of nowhere when i'm about to lose my balance or something. and how i can just drop everything my hands were grabbing onto like a few milliseconds before everything actually happened.

luckily i'm able to laugh it off. x))

and thankfully i have a crazy bunch of classmates and friends who makes up almost everything. x)) just realised how nonsensical and how lame and how insane we are when we're like totally high. and how much of a nuisance i am to those in structured studies 'cause i never succeed in shutting up. and it seems like i'm always missing out the fun. i'm always absent when there're new updates on you-know-who. haha!

though i'm pretty upset about friendships now i guess. and i'm quite sentimental i reckon. i don't know. was just wondering how close some people and i used to be. though i still keep in contact with them, it's just totally weird now to see them. i mean, like say, two years ago we'll all probably crap and lame around together, and then, to think i actually get SHY and that.. introvert, and that quiet with them now. and i don't even dare to say hi. and i actually can count how many sentences i've said to them. when we've countless of nonsense to talk about last time. shit. kinda sad how friendships can just slip away like that. like from good friends to just mere aquaintances now. i feel really really fake. and non-existent.

and what's worrying is, i can continue making friends, being the thick-skinned shit most of the time and at the same moment, drifting away from some, and then losing them. and what i'm left with at the end of the day, are just all those funky memories and nothing else. seriously, i feel like just embracing them, so that they won't slip away. but it's just too awkward. and it sounds pretty possessive. no i'm not.

suefaye and i went sentosa on our youth day holiday. the weather totally dampened our mood. it rained when we reached and we're about to leave. but it added some fun into our hot date i reckon. guess what?! we bathed in the open! beside this cafe. and being the loud irritant i am, i just screamed and screamed when i was bathing. and i swear it was really embarrassing but i couldn't care less 'cause it's so damn freaking cold! you know the wind was blowing, it's still raining.. and there're people laughing at us. but the point is, we were just dying to bathe, or rather shower, so that we'll be a bit cleaner. and we can reach the bus-stop. and change out. so we'll get home dry. get it? it's hilarious. in the end we're like faster than those people queueing for the cubicles. and it kinda reminded me of obs. how we, again, bathed beside our dorm. haha. x))

oh no. i think i sound a bit psycho already. haha. fine. it's just so me eh. oh and i did get a bit more tanned. with a red nose. my nose was like freaking burnt! so.. yes. i'm rudolph. or simply just a retarded clown. hurs.

talking about youth day. we received this tin can from the school. think it's funky, at least it's better than past few years, and that's if they've even given us anything in the first place. there's raffles integrated programme, inaugurated 2004 printed on it i think. and i thought it was pretty special and our school's kinda unique. and suddenly, to my horror, i saw another school's logo and i was like "what the hell?!" so they are getting what we are getting too?! oh there're shoelaces [which i don't think i'll wear out] and a mini jersey thing with 04. and it took me quite a while to realise it's the year this jersey thing's printed. ha. too slow too slow.

went for swim finals on wednesday. with jac, weiling and zihua, and their friends. think it's kinda boring. i don't know. it gets more and more dull each year. it's something that has gotta do with our age. and you're un-cool when you cheer. i don't know what kinda warped theory is that. being sian's the cool thing you know. nah kidding kidding. there's a special segment this year though. quite funky, there's this band that played during the interval. swimshadys if i'm not wrong. i don't know whether they're good or not, some say they are, the others say they aren't. let's just say they did provide some entertainment that day yea? saw people as usual. think i saw some that probably won't even know i exist, and some really old friends, and some err.. friends. yea. michelletan that funny piece of shit was so comical as usual. and the sms she sent after everything has ended is probably the most hilarious one i've received. and the msgs after that, were kinda hilarious too. 'cause she sounded like she's really really crazy and interested in someone. and somebody's shy.. haha.

beabea and junli were quite funny. and nice too. at least they're nice enough to talk to me when the rest went outside the complex. i don't know why. i wonder i wonder. why mr liau ain't beside mrs liau. haha.

bernie's super zai. that's a bit nonsensical. else why would she be in the national team eh. jac and weiling gave her a bouquet of flowers. and if i'm not wrong, gs missed the 3rd placing by 0.01 sec. ouch. and i always thought he's really zai and all. err. didn't get to see my frogman. a bit disappointed. haha! oh. was kinda expecting to see terence in the middle of nowhere, but i only saw him like say everything has ended and he was in macs spinning. i've absolutely no idea why he did that.

and yesterday was really really a torture to go through again. the english prelim orals!! the passage was about cycling, the picture was about cycling, the conversation was also about cycling. like WHAT'S SO INTERESTING ABOUT CYCLING. the passage was about the pros of cycling. and some social implications and what not. the picture discussion was about an activity organised by community club involving cycling. and there's a crowd gathering in front of the community centre. and the conversation was about whether i like cycling and why? and what're the cons of cycling. and do you think they outweigh the pros and stuffs. and i was like STUNNED. like totally. my mind was blank. i couldn't think at all. and it doesn't help much when I KNOW LOUISA LEE. who was, unfortunately, one of my examiners. and she was busy scribbling away. and the other teacher just sat there and stared at me, nodding occasionally. and i kept reading rubbish, missing a word or two and adding words of my own here and there during the passage-reading and i talked to her during conversation like we're bestest friends ever. and i stuttered as usual. she prompted me twice or thrice in picture discussion, and i thought i did pretty okay for that. at least it was so much better than last year when i refused to talk.

ohwell. life's getting more and more depressing when prelim and Os are getting nearer and my parents are getting more and more screw-loose up there.

think i'll end here before my computer hangs on me again. sigh.

heaven by your side;
x 12:43 am