__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

"i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

i think geminis are difficult to comprehend. even i have problems trying to understand myself sometimes.

i don't understand why i have to stand right in front of him every single time [not really literally, but yeah, it's just as bad, trust me], and let him say whatever he wants, even if it's insulting and hurting sometimes [and i don't even know when he's being serious and when he's not].

maybe i look like i don't give a damn 'cause it seems like i'm not serious most of the time, or maybe i look like i can take everything in stride, or even maybe 'cause he thinks i'm strong emotionally, but the fact is, i care and it seriously hurts a great deal.

i don't understand why i let jerks do this to me again and again. i mean, like affect me so much. even though most of them i don't really like, in other word detest, in the first place, they just have the ability to make me depressed somehow.

i kinda agree on mel's point though.

"the reason why i'm not liking [him] or refusing to like him is 'cause i think he doesn't like me, i don't want to like someone who doesn't like me, it's too painful don't you think? so now i'm just contented with being friends and all, at least we get to talk normally instead of me getting spasms whenever i see him, HAHA!"

hmm. anyway sometimes i wonder whether i really don't give a damn about what others think of me. i think i do mind, just that i try to keep that nagging thought that i'm not leaving a really good impression away and just be myself. then i'll just suddenly burst out in hysterical laughters with my friends or do something else that's reallyreally silly [which is just part of the fun sometimes] and leaving a good impression doesn't seem like it matters that much anymore 'cause i know i've already ruined it oh-so badly. so even if i do mind what others think of me, there isn't much of a choice 'cause ultimately i still know what's the usual, expected impression of me at the end of the day.

yea like crazy, loud, insane, fullofshit me.

i've like so much other stuffs to talk about. but if i carry on, i think i'll sound really really depressed, which i'm not. 'cause i'm happy [and i realised how it sounds so much like i'm in a self-denial stage, but i'm really not trying to deceive myself.] so i'm gonna like stop here. and continue with my feeziks. test tomorrow! yucks. wish me luck! (:

heaven by your side;
x 10:01 am