__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Sunday, June 12, 2005

"have you ever been in love? horrible, isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. you build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love."

- neil gaiman

how apt. it's the perfect portrayal of what i'm probably feeling right now i guess. though i'm not too sure yet. but when have i ever been certain of how/what i'm feeling in the first place? i feel so void of emotions/thoughts nowadays. the emptiness.

i hate the way you're affecting/influencing me more and more. i guess it's just the attachment that i feel towards you. and i find myself depressed when you're not around and i find contentment in little things we've done together.

ROAR.

unhappy stuff aside. i still haven't gotten down to actually update this for a pretty damn long time. haven't been in the mood to do so and life's pretty mundane during holidays. i think. even so, i suppose i'm too occupied with inane thoughts nowadays that the only reason why i'm awake or whatsoever is to stone. and of course, due to my numerous failed attempts to bury myself in books too.

term exams are nearing at a relatively fast pace and we've like say, less than half a month to be ready for it. for the first time in my life, i'm actually feeling the helplessness and unpreparedness in studies. i mean i used to heck a lot about it and i've no idea why it bothers me this much now. i'm screwed, like through and through.

and i'm not even giving much of a damn or like say, putting extra extra effort in catching up with work and revising. i'm still slacking away, stoning and playing all days and nights long, and stoning again.

okay 'nuff craps. gonna sleep. [and there. it just proves my point of me not studying. again.]

heaven by your side;
x 1:01 am