Monday, June 13, 2005 heaven by your side;
insomnia. probably due to over-dosage of caffeine last night. two big gulps. x| barely slept for less than 3 hours. ohmygoodness i might as well be dead. waking up at an unearthly 6.30 AM doing absolutely nothing in THE HOLIDAYS is way beyond insane.
was reading my blog archive. had quite a good laugh at it. think i've grown emotionally and mentally [hopefully] which is good. t'was quite funny to read about certain censored stuff. and how my england kinda peaked in the middle of sec 4. and then it came tumbling down like anything after that.
was thinking about it again when i was trying to get back to sleep when i jerked and woke up at 6.30. was pondering over why people get a tad worried when i keep quiet too. isn't that what everyone's yearning for when i can't shut my trap up?
it's nice to have a best female friend in class. like partners in crime, in sleepovers, study groups, pms-ing, et cetera. even partners in having the-wrong-time-of-the-month. kinda too alike that it scares us and everyone else sometimes. especially daryl i think.
we even get moody at the same time. and we stone together too.
lixian thinks we're alike [again] that no one will take us really seriously when we're down or something. especially me with all my cheery and ki-siaoing facade that others can't be bothered about me when i'm really depressed and they'd probably just move on to something/someone else more exciting and leave me alone to rot and die. sounds really like some monkey show i'm putting up to provide entertainment that the others are seeking.
and we realise that i only break down in front of shadrach. it's probably like the second time he's seen me crying over something, i suppose, really insignificant. but it all boils down to bottled up mixed feelings that i've no one to talk to about. and he appears and asks me how i've been and all that when i'm most vulnerable. and everyone knows how i can't stop yakking away once i've started, and all my defences i've built up over the years probably just collapse almost simultaneously that the emotionally-strong facade just falls too.
i feel so wronged sometimes.
i can't help it when you can't see your beloved crush. i can't help it either when we're going to tim's house instead of mine and i can't behave like i'm the host and invite anyone and everyone i want. i can't help it, too, when the class lunch was screwed 'cause i'm not the organiser to begin with, and i've made my stand oh-so clearly that i'm not going? plus it's not like i was the one who passed the birthday present to you afterall.
in addition to all those abovementioned shits, i did try begging you like crazy and wasted how much talk-time on you just so to persuade you to go for every single class outing and it's never been appreciated. oh like whoa, why duncha try being in my shoes instead? just because you have a hard time adapting in another school, knee's hurting, relationship with a certain someone being not quite smooth and what-nots, don't give you the damned rights to vent your frustrations on me. and i don't have the obligations to invite anyone or organise anything in the first place just so to make anyone happy, in this case, you, you self-centred asshole.
look who you're talking to seriously. i've crazy back problems and other funny illnesses, and i'm still resisting all the changes that are happening in school, plus my relationships with friends and family aren't exactly on the right tracks with all the drifting aparts [if you can see that almost all my close friends are in rj, and everything probably adds up to double of what you're going through 'cause i have to go through adapting in new environment and accepting newbies too], i see no reason why you should even throw a stupid tantrum.
and oh c'mon, for goodness sake you're a freaking guy! everyone else is saying that you're over-sensitive, that's precisely why you're acting like that. why aren't you sensitive enough to understand what others are feeling then? i say, you make assumptions and read too deeply into what are our pure good intentions and jump to conclusions very quickly. and then you self-pity what you have to go through. but really, almost everyone's going through the same, if not, worse shits than yours.
why are people pissed off at me without valid reasons, and to say the truth, i wasn't even involved in it? and it's not just one of them. who has even given them the rights to flare up at me?
and shouldn't i be the one to be fuming mad at everyone else 'cause someone kindly screwed up my study group plans by just feeling like having a lunch that day? but i silently accepted it and changed my own plans to studying at home/in school?
who EVER cared about how i feel then?
it's the aftermath when i start keeping quiet/going hysterical that then people start sensing that something's very wrong with me. but then again, being hysterical doesn't help much 'cause they think it's just so me to be noisy and fullashit that they just laugh it off at what i'm complaining about.
and i am serious.
just 'cause i might seem like i'm optimistic and i can take everything in my stride and i can't be bothered with all the screw-ups i have in my life doesn't even mean anything close to i'm really cheerful and you can insult me and my pride the way you want it. 'cause the seemingly most optimistic person ever is the saddest person on earth, i swear.
UGH.
x 7:22 am
| powered by tagboard |
|
powered by blogger the blogskins layout by intoxicated; |