__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Sunday, August 07, 2005

was talking to someone and she kinda told me that the rest think i should change my lifestyle and eating habits for the better.

i think trying to change and adapt a healthier lifestyle, that is to abstain from coke and cut down my sugar intake and taking regular meals and the like, has been the biggest mistake in my life so far.

i don't seem to be happier and healthier than what i was before the decision to be more health-conscious.

the catalyst that got me started bawling my eyes out was probably danieltan the civic tutor, telling the whole class, albeit very blatantly hinting to me that i should stop taking mcs and what-not 'cause term 3's important and hectic and yadahyadah.

and THE econs teacher who's ever so caring and over-concerned about our class just 'cause we're THE ONLY pathetic econs class that he's teaching. and he's giving me too much of an attention in class just 'cause i "look blur, lost, not knowing what the heck's going on, and half the time, having some hanky-panky with desmond" and trust me, i do know what's going on in class, just that he caught me stoning when i got too bored and i didn't read up before the remedial lesson.

he should really get used to the fact that i'm happy and contented with how i'm used to handling my stuff in my own warped ways, and i do know what's good for me and what's not. and most importantly i'm aware of what i'm doing, even though it might be affecting me adversely sometimes but i'm sure i'll get it all straight if i do it at my own pace and given more time to adjust.

and i'll approach for help when there is a need to, and he really does not need to provide help when i didn't ask for it, though i appreciate the thought.

maybe i'm too sensitive but one should really keep his/her comments to his/herself when i didn't ask for his/her comments. especially adults. 'cause even if they mean good to me all the time, i somehow find whatever they've said as sources of unexplainable pressure. and all of them get into me and i feel suffocated and breathless i wish i could just die.

which is probably why i broke down. afterall, i should know myself best, no?

so when i can't stand it any further, i'll just retaliate back in my own weird ways, to stop them from adding on to my misery, albeit sometimes being very irrational and stuff. they just backfire sometimes, and i'll cry even more.

i don't like being reminded everytime to live up to others' expectations. afterall it's MY life that i'm living, why do the rest of the world even bother?

and people from acj, they don't seem to get it that i don't have much of a choice when i take mcs and stuff. i don't see why they should even doubt the authenticity of them, so they really think mcs can be bought? yeah, maybe but not always? how can it be even possible to fool the same doctor again and again into giving me mcs? surely there must be something wrong with me and the body, not the mcs. i don't know why they're so overreacting/fussing about the whole thing and i think sooner or later there'll be a big hoo-ha over it. c'mon, just give everyone a break and stop picking on me.

rg had no problem with that at all. i think even the pe department's aware of who the hell i am even when half of them didn't teach me before and they're pretty fine with me and my ponning of pe. because, i've got excuse letter to do so and they trust me. for my gastric, low blood pressure and sugar, back and maybe knees.

i don't see why then, gurmit singh's to be so sick about it and make me do a make-up pe EVEN WHEN i've mc. go to hell man, ahneh.

lixian says that it's the impression i give. usually someone as crazy as me would be really healthy. thus, right from the start everyone thinks i'm ponning. and ying didn't wanna tell others that i had dengue for some unknown reason. but i've never stopped her from telling?! so go ask her for the reason behind it? and impressions aren't always as real as they seem to be?

i'm prone to ear infections and stomach flu. i faint after i run 2.4 and there's nothing i can do about it. my backbone has some abnormality as in the structure and stuff, and i hurt it not once, but numerous times. i've got gastric and long-short legs. and the list can go on.

and it's not like i don't try to have proper meals. i do. i think i eat as much as i need to. and the time taken to eat, i really have not much control over it since i've been like that right from the start, even when i was a baby.

so i really can't change much or do much about anything. 'cause i've attempted to do everything i could. even all those medicine and health supplements, i've tried loads of them. hence i've came to the conclusion to make do with what i can do. and i'm really fine with what i have, i'm really glad about what i have too. so i don't see why others are fussing about what's wrong with me 'cause believe me, i'm stuck in this body for 17 years and you guys probably haven't even seen the worst that could've ever happened to me, and no one else knows it better than i do, except my mum maybe, so even she's fine with me not going school and she doesn't really complain about it 'cause she knows me, so why should outsiders even bother about it 'cause believe me, i've done this since i was in primary school and if i can maintain the standard of my work and handle everything else, so why can't they just buzz off and leave me alone?

and if the people in school doesn't believe what i have to say 'cause they haven't been that sickly before, then i've got nothing to say.

i think i wasn't in the best of moods 'cause of the people that's left in the class and those that have left too. i miss the familiarity i used to have in a school, and the audacity to do anything and the atrociousness and craps we can come up with. i miss a certain someone who's been my sugar-rush and gets me high in acj but at the same time being all mysterious and uncomprehendable.

and to begin with, i started school with only julia being there for me and vice-versa. the rest were in rj, probably very unaware of what i've been going thru in acj 'cause of the lack of time to catch up and stuff.

if only rg wasn't my sec school, things would've been so much better for someone not in one of the raffles schools already. i won't have the pressurised feeling of living up to the reputation of being an ex-rafflesian and needing to do well, in addition to being in another school in fear of being labelled as one of those who came to acj just because they cannot make it to rj. there's probably a handful of people who's made the choice of staying 'cause of the culture and stuff. and it's never been a must to be a rafflesian all the way anyway.

but seriously, i've never regretted being in rg i think. it probably gave me the best memories i ever could have, thus i'm not really complaining.

somehow, being crazy pushes away all the negative thoughts for a moment, but i guess it isn't really a successful attempt, 'cause at the end of the day, or when i'm feeling just a bit down, they come back altogether at the same time and hit me hard right in the face.

but i'm quite happy anyhow, 'cause at times like these, some friends are very concerned, or at least aware that something's wrong with me. and they cheer me up quite a bit. (:

heaven by your side;
x 2:49 am