__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Saturday, September 17, 2005

i always have the worst way of starting a week, a term, a semester, or even a year. or maybe it's just this year.

i started off this year with dengue, this semester not going for physics exam 'cause of insomnia and sore eyes that could hardly open, and this week/term with viral infection AGAIN for the umpteenth time this year.

so i didn't go school for a week.

it's always times like this when it's soso crucial to be in school for revision and learning new stuff when i start getting all sickly/weak AGAIN that my determination to not absent myself from school begins to waver so bad.

RAH.

i think i'd get retained this year. judging from how i'm flunking every single subject, me dropping econs already and hcl's not counted as an AO subject in promos, i might as well be dead. 2A 2AO passes. HAHA. what a joke how to achieve? it's like acing every single subject 'cause as everyone knows, we needa consider how badly we've done in terms too for promos.

yeah, please kill me. (:

my mum says it's alright to flunk it and drop out of school. which gets me a little too complacent sometimes. just 'cause my mum says she's perfectly fine with poor results, just 'cause i'm a girl i don't have to worry about sustaining a family in the future like the guys, just 'cause i'm the only girl in the family i can be soso spoilt, spoilt enough to expect to be spoon-fed for the rest of my life [or at least, the mentality that it can't be that bad since i've got my dad to feed/support me with everything i need when i'm in the worst case scenario], just 'cause i'm sure there'll definitely be something i'll be able to do without all the papers and qualifications and be self-sufficient, just 'cause..

and i lose all my motivations and lose sight of all my short-term goals.

SIGH.

TYS are fun to do when you know how to do the questions and get the correct answers. but in reality, most of the time it's otherwise. they get me depressed and shocked and nothing good and my world'd come crashing down soon after. i'll scratch and pull my hair and scream, "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BEST SUBJECT IN SECONDARY SCHOOL?!"

very sad indeed.

and i realised something. i'm always so scared that i'll get/might have gotten a shitty group with irresponsible group members for pw. and i'd have to slog to death for pw like i always had for other projects. but recently i kinda figured out that i might be the worst contributor of the whole group. NIGHTMARE! 'cause all i did was secondary research and half of which wasn't done by me. so it was just about writing 2 short articles on 2 different stuff. or actually it's more of blatantly copying and pasting bits and pieces of information from some internet sources. the other half of the research i just read through and edited some parts. then i did survey tabulation without analysis. and proof-read the whole written report without the conclusion, appendix and bibliography.

so to make myself feel better the night before the deadline for written report, i stayed up till 4 AM accompanying/waiting for kiat to proofread after me, albeit being sick and useless.

OHOH and WORST of all, i hardly appear during pw periods. ):

it's making me feel guilty all over again. i better sleep. ):

heaven by your side;
x 1:34 am