__________a n g e l in need of a direction

Friday, September 02, 2005

ugh. i was typing a relatively long entry and the comp hanged. i'll try to recall what i was saying.

anyway i miss giving hugs/being hugged and being all les-ly.

i miss being in an all girls' school.

and it sucks to realise that.. i'm getting more and more distant with once-close friends. ):

the past few days have been emotionally and mentally draining. i don't know what to do about everything. and i'm totally lost. i can't understand why the hell i reacted that way. and why do i even need to keep up with the facade that i'm cool and totally unaffected by what has happened. obviously i'm not. it's not my fault at all to say the truth. i can't comprehend what the other party's thinking. and i really wish that person'd know it's straining so badly our already very vulnerable friendship. i don't even see why i have to think through and re-consider again and again before a move's made and why do i care so much about what the other party's feeling just 'cause i don't wanna hurt anyone's feeling, especially one that went through some similar trauma before.

if only both of us ain't that sensitive. if only we're not that so close the last time. if only..

UGH.

anyway i realised i'm reallyreally very dependent on ___ these days. 'cause so far he's the only one besides lixian and zing to know exactly what i'm going through and has been very supportive/always there when i needed someone to talk to. i think i've been quite a nuisance. like i kept talking to him on msn till late nights. and i've been whining for a few whole days through smses and he didn't complain a thing. and he doesn't even mind me calling him in the middle of the night or after school when i want to. which i obviously didn't dare to 'cause i find myself damn annoying already. and he went on accompanying me even when he wanted to sleep once. albeit he went to sleep in the end but it's the thought that counts. (: how nice eh. although i never know how much of what he's said's true.

i don't know how to tell ____ to stop suaning me about ___. it's like, his actions totally contradict what he says online. and that the suanings have much affected my friendship with ___. everything i do with ___ has to be done after a lotsa considerations, and with another friend around. how totally absurd.

i think alot when i'm being left alone. and it's getting very nonsensical like, how can anyone else 'cept me find himself/herself irritating. i'll sit on the mrt train at the end of the day on my journey home thinking about the stuff that happened that day, and i can't help but find myself too loud and embarrassing to be with. and like a few days ago, when lixian was having chinese, zing was out with her 408 friends after visiting rg, and i was having free period, so i sat down at the bleachers and started thinking too much for my own good. about the whole incident again. so i called ___, and he didn't pick up 'cause he's at the library apparently. which is, in a way, good 'cause i'd have started crying like the night before if i were to talk to him, and then i'd have looked like a retard to the rest of the people at the bleachers slacking and what-not. i didn't dare to call again 'cause i'd be sucha pest if i did, or so i thought.

but it's always at times like this that you find out who truly are your friends. (: though i don't wanna go through depression again and again just to find out who are true and who aren't.

anyway i'm quite sure i don't like that person anymore! (: i made a very big discovery the other day with zing. maybe afterall, i really don't like him that way, i just like him muchly as a friend 'cause he's been nice, cute and the like, and it's more of it being totally fun making terence excited with the itsy bitsy details which ain't that significant actually 'cause it's all what friends do for each other, and all his funny arguments whether or not he likes me/i like him/we like each other.

charlie and the chocolate factory's scarier than horror movies. and it doesn't help when the oompa loompas are nathan-lookalike lunatics and willy wonka's eccentric. yikes. the only incentives of the whole movie's probably charlie and the grandparents being oh-so totally cute and of course, watching it with the bestie! ((: it's quite touching in some parts, especially when charlie shared the chocolate with his family and when he wanted to sell the golden ticket to earn money for the family. how seriously sweet.

i think i forgot to mention that ___ discovered that i'm the only person in class who had the privilege of having almost the whole class down to have a dinner and celebrate with me on my birthday. like, jiaying, myron, lixian, crystal, sabrina, jo, daniel, sheryl, shad, ryan, daryl, tim.. okay actually it's more of those that are close as a big clique and that's a feat. 'cause after that we didn't have a dinner with as many people as that anymore and all the other birthdays were totally screwed up 'cept for daryl's but that's 'cause he organised it at his house. oooh.. how honoured. (:

yay. i'm probably fine already 'cause the galpal thinks i'm kisiao-ing/being very high again. and i realised i can call him whatever names i've given terence's future daughters/sons too! 'cause he's a HAN at the end of his name. how totally fun!

whee. life's gonna rock now 'cause *SCREAM* SCHOOL'S OUT! ((:

heaven by your side;
x 6:01 pm